So tell me when do you know it is over? Is it when you fight over the little things (which aren't so little to me)...is it when you spend more time on his needs than your own (knowing your own are just as important.. if not more)... is it when you look forward to him coming home and EVERY single time it is a disappointment (even after 20+ years)..is it when you really think this is starting to effect how well you are a mom (which is the most important thing to me)...OR is it when you feel there is very little hope of anything left in this relationship that you have invested so much time in?
The answer is quite obvious, but I just can't do it. Why is that? I can tell you in my eyes it's fear. I have no excuse other than that...FEAR is paralyzing. The unknown is my fear and I cannot get over this irrational fear nor do I think it is best for me at this time. I hang on to the fact that someday...you can finish this sentence (and please do, I want your input)
Sincerely yours,
Red Whine :-)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Maiden Voyage-Friendships
Welcome to my first official Blog...
Let's face it, when Jesus turned water into wine it wasn't Pinot Grigio. I like to think it was a nice Cab.
Here is my first post under the Red Wine name. It is a Sunday and I tend to do a lot of thinking on Sundays, perhaps too much. Today was a good day so why is it I feel so blah? I have been thinking about this quite a bit and wanted to share with you what I have come up with so hopefully someone may have some insight into my feelings, 'cause Lord knows I don't.
There are times when I just do not feel as though I am good enough. Is it that I lack a college education, because I can assure you all that does weigh on me. Is it that I wasn't raised in a conventional household? or perhaps I wasn't wealthy? I am usually the first to say that we cannot blame our upbringing for our downfalls. We are fully aware of what we want in life and the only one that can achieve that is ourselves so what is holding me back? What on earth makes me feel like I can't follow through and do amazing things? Is it a lack of confidence? I know I am definitely guilty of that, but it is my own doing.
These feelings that I am sharing have affected my relationships, friendships especially. I can honestly tell you that I have had many friendships in my life and I have backed away from most of them for the simple reason that I didn't feel worthy of them. Yes, I know this is not a good way to be, but ultimately it is the truth. In my mind, my friends have had to "put up" with me and never really wanted to be there for better or worse, I have been too much trouble. It's not that I consider myself "high-maintenance" I just don't consider myself as that important. I know the way I feel is wrong but it is something I just can't currently help. I have had many good friends in my life so why am I so quick to let them go? why am I so quick to think they don't need me as much as I need them? My intention was never to make them think I walked away, I would be here for them no matter what, it was me that was the problem. I was the broken record, the pain in the ass, the "oh, it's her" on the caller ID. Was I mistaken? Should I just accept the fact that maybe I am those things but my friends love me anyway? Please share your thoughts, tell me I am not the only fool out there who has felt this way. I look forward to hearing your comments (good, bad or indifferent).
"Make New Friends but Keep the Old...One is Silver, the other Gold". These really are words to live by.
Let's face it, when Jesus turned water into wine it wasn't Pinot Grigio. I like to think it was a nice Cab.
Here is my first post under the Red Wine name. It is a Sunday and I tend to do a lot of thinking on Sundays, perhaps too much. Today was a good day so why is it I feel so blah? I have been thinking about this quite a bit and wanted to share with you what I have come up with so hopefully someone may have some insight into my feelings, 'cause Lord knows I don't.
There are times when I just do not feel as though I am good enough. Is it that I lack a college education, because I can assure you all that does weigh on me. Is it that I wasn't raised in a conventional household? or perhaps I wasn't wealthy? I am usually the first to say that we cannot blame our upbringing for our downfalls. We are fully aware of what we want in life and the only one that can achieve that is ourselves so what is holding me back? What on earth makes me feel like I can't follow through and do amazing things? Is it a lack of confidence? I know I am definitely guilty of that, but it is my own doing.
These feelings that I am sharing have affected my relationships, friendships especially. I can honestly tell you that I have had many friendships in my life and I have backed away from most of them for the simple reason that I didn't feel worthy of them. Yes, I know this is not a good way to be, but ultimately it is the truth. In my mind, my friends have had to "put up" with me and never really wanted to be there for better or worse, I have been too much trouble. It's not that I consider myself "high-maintenance" I just don't consider myself as that important. I know the way I feel is wrong but it is something I just can't currently help. I have had many good friends in my life so why am I so quick to let them go? why am I so quick to think they don't need me as much as I need them? My intention was never to make them think I walked away, I would be here for them no matter what, it was me that was the problem. I was the broken record, the pain in the ass, the "oh, it's her" on the caller ID. Was I mistaken? Should I just accept the fact that maybe I am those things but my friends love me anyway? Please share your thoughts, tell me I am not the only fool out there who has felt this way. I look forward to hearing your comments (good, bad or indifferent).
"Make New Friends but Keep the Old...One is Silver, the other Gold". These really are words to live by.
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